My moments are mostly empty, numb, paralysed, noise assaulted, pain filled, agonised; waiting for movement, waiting for thought, waiting for feeling, waiting for something to happen that does not harm or disturb me, waiting for quiet, waiting for pain to subside, even though it will not, does not, can not.
Into this empty void of life comes awareness, just about its only gift. Awareness of being, not doing, awareness of time, awareness of what is important, awareness of life, of breath, of being, of God Himself, being here with me.
Time stopped being linear a long long time ago for me. The future cannot be planned, the past cannot be well remembered, only the present exists. Nothing is predictable, nothing is plan-able, nothing is reliable therefore only being here, now, is important. Only the present is. That is what my life has become. Time has slowed. It seems to flow round me and by me, rarely stopping at my door. No visitors call here. No social events occur. Nobody thinks of including us in their lives, for interaction with the world, has become an utter torment to me and I am left behind or outside or more honestly, become invalid and invisible, not considered to be here anymore.
Luckily, God and I know better.
And the gift of life has become more precious, more conscious, probably more lived, in this place, in this way, in this physical agony of existence, where time loses meaning and the minutes do not get counted for nothing much will change and I can make nothing happen by my will or intention.
Here, it is love that counts, it is peace and precious connectedness to the one I love, who loves me also. It is stillness and being that have become the bedrock of our life together, graced by God.