I had a dream last night, where I felt like I was talking , politely, with a group. Suddenly I seemed to explode with rage at just how screamingly ill my wife is and the neglect and abuse of people with Very Severe ME. My language was expletive-ridden- I can tell you !
But it felt good !!
The reaction of the people was shock and withdrawal.
In the depths of suffering, yesterday, Linda found this prayer she wrote, a long time ago. The words are all we have left.
Who am I now, Lord,
Battered and abused
And thrown in the abyss
I had not known how further I could fall
Forced into a pit
Not of my making
Broken and torn and splintered apart
Rent asunder at the core
That is where I have been
These last 4 years
Over twenty years of agony
And unimagined suffering
the last have been beyond
Any suffering previously known or felt
the trauma, though
compared to the shredding of my self
from the inside out
There simply are no words
The empty, screaming desolation
Of a mind
And a body
That once danced
in the world
How can I say who I am anymore
When all I held dear about myself
was rent from me?
My body now repeatedly assaulted, broken down and emptied
Destroyed by any and every simple noise or movement past me.
Tortured by normality
No longer can I smile at abuse and denial
And laugh with hopeful inner strength.
No longer does that beautiful pure light
That kept me safe
In the shadows of my illness.
My mind, so crushed and blackened
into the smallest possible space conceivable
For life to remain
Is trying to heal
Is clawing its way back
The damage is done
Is it irreparable?
Only God can say?
Have I lost my faith?
No, but it has been sorely tested
In the desperate agony of moments
That few could bear and still stay sane or present
My faith a burning sword in the darkness
My wisdom now a slicing sword of truth
I can no longer love as I once loved
I can no longer care as I once cared
I can no longer be the gentle sweet person
I perhaps was once long ago
For torture marks you
Betrayal scars you
Trauma destroys you
Denial alienates you
And fear annihilates you
It is only the sweet tenderness of Mercy
Whispering in the darkest place
That saves me from destruction
And blesses me with a hope
That lives beyond hopeless helplessness
And holds me safe
in the empty void of endless nothing
And broken being
And leads me on
Still incredibly unbelievably
Holds me to the truth of who I am
Miraculously lifting me
Moment by moment
Towards a light I can no longer innerly see
And guides me
When we find God we know we are safe, we know that we are saved and can never be truly alone or separated, even from those who have died, because we are all held and united in the wonder and the power of that Love and all things are possible and miracles occur. No one is excluded, everyone is given this gift; for it is the gift of Life itself.
To be saved is the most wonderful, indescribable gift of love. To be found, to be loved, to be cared for, to be held by God, means we need no more than this.
What is so moving is the felt presence of God, when people pray in absolute trust and faith. Each word then glistens with the power of the Holy Spirit, new depth of insight, new visions of hope can be inspired.
When a person prays ardently and sincerely the Word of God shines out deepening its meaning, transcending the present moment, linking all in the hope beyond time that emanates from the truth of the Heart of Love.
The most wonderful, awesome presence of God links and unites all. Transformed in the silence, one single person praying in sincerity, touches the whole world. And nothing can be the same again.
Peace can be found at any moment if we fly to the Heart of Love and seek the Peace beyond all understanding, that comes not from the world, but comes directly from God.
Even in the harshest of physical realities, still this peace may be received:a grace from on High.
A beautiful book of reflections on the Cross and Resurrection, written from within decades of deep pain and suffering, by Linda, is now available, online:
…you can either view the FlipBook version here :
…or if you have difficulties with the FlipBook format , the collection is available to view online, as a PDF, here :
early in the morning
silent moment of absolute power
explosion of light
shook the tomb
wherein you lay
So hard to even begin to understand
Love given out
to the very last drop of your existence
returned in splendour
essence of life
returned from its journey
made manifest once more in the world
bringing us out of utter darkness
into pure radiance of Light
No wonder the stone was rolled away
with the immanence of God
in that moment
come back into the world
to reunite us