Torture marks you

No longer does that beautiful pure light   That kept me safe Still shineWho am I now, Lord,
Battered and abused
And thrown in the abyss
I had not known how further I could fall
Forced into a pit
Not of my making
Broken and torn and splintered apart
Rent asunder at the core
That is where I have been
These last 4 years
Over twenty years of agony
And unimagined suffering
the last have been beyond
Any suffering previously known or felt
The betrayal,
the abandonment,
the negation,
the trauma, though
Are nothing
compared to the shredding of my self
from the inside out
There simply are no words
To describe
The empty, screaming desolation
Of a mind
And a body
That once danced
and sang
and cartwheeled
in the world
How can I say who I am anymore
When all I held dear about myself
was rent from me?
My body now repeatedly assaulted, broken down and emptied
Destroyed by any and every simple noise or movement past me.
Tortured by normality
No longer can I smile at abuse and denial
And laugh with hopeful inner strength.
No longer does that beautiful pure light
That kept me safe
Still shine
In the shadows of my illness.
My mind, so crushed and blackened
Tortured literally
into the smallest possible space conceivable
For life to remain
Is trying to heal
Is clawing its way back
And yet
The damage is done
Is it irreparable?
Only God can say?
Have I lost my faith?
No, but it has been sorely tested
In the desperate agony of moments
That few could bear and still stay sane or present
My faith a burning sword in the darkness
My wisdom now a slicing sword of truth
I can no longer love as I once loved
I can no longer care as I once cared
I can no longer be the gentle sweet person
I perhaps was once long ago
For torture marks you
Betrayal scars you
Trauma destroys you
Denial alienates you
And fear annihilates you
It is only the sweet tenderness of Mercy
Whispering in the darkest place
That saves me from destruction
And blesses me with a hope
That lives beyond hopeless helplessness
And holds me safe
in the empty void of endless nothing
And broken being
And leads me on
Still incredibly unbelievably
Holds me to the truth of who I am
Miraculously lifting me
Moment by moment
Towards a light I can no longer innerly see
Yet know
Still exists
And guides me
Ever on


Only Now is Important


My moments are mostly empty, numb, paralysed, noise assaulted, pain filled, agonised; waiting for movement, waiting for thought, waiting for feeling, waiting for something to happen that does not harm or disturb me, waiting for quiet, waiting for pain to subside, even though it will not, does not, can not.

Into this empty void of life comes awareness, just about its only gift. Awareness of being, not doing, awareness of time, awareness of what is important, awareness of life, of breath, of being, of God Himself, being here with me.

Time stopped being linear a long long time ago for me. The future cannot be planned, the past cannot be well remembered, only the present exists. Nothing is predictable, nothing is plan-able, nothing is reliable therefore only being here, now, is important. Only the present is. That is what my life has become. Time has slowed. It seems to flow round me and by me, rarely stopping at my door. No visitors call here. No social events occur. Nobody thinks of including us in their lives, for interaction with the world, has become an utter torment to me and I am left behind or outside or more honestly, become invalid and invisible, not considered to be here anymore.

Luckily, God and I know better.

And the gift of life has become more precious, more conscious, probably more lived, in this place, in this way, in this physical agony of existence, where time loses meaning and the minutes do not get counted for nothing much will change and I can make nothing happen by my will or intention.

Here, it is love that counts, it is peace and precious connectedness to the one I love, who loves me also. It is stillness and being that have become the bedrock of our life together, graced by God.